There is no right or wrong way to come out. The decision about if, when and how you come out is entirely yours. Here are some suggestions and considerations to help you make informed choices that feel right for you.
Understanding coming out
Coming out means sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity with others. It’s an ongoing process rather than a single event, and you may choose to come out to different people at different times throughout your life.
Everyone’s experience of coming out is unique. Some people find it straightforward and positive, while others may face challenges. Whatever your experience, remember that who you are is valid and you deserve warmth, love and compassion.
Planning your coming out
To help reduce anxiety around coming out, you may find it helpful to plan what you want to say and how you’ll say it. There’s no single correct approach, and it’s up to you to decide what feels most comfortable based on your relationship with the person you’re sharing with.
Ways to share your journey
You might consider:
- telling the person in person
- writing a letter
- sending a text message
- making a phone call.
Questions to consider
Before coming out, it can be helpful to think about the following questions.
- What do I want to say to the person I’m coming out to?
- What do I expect them to say?
- Is there a way I can prepare beforehand?
- What are some positive responses I might receive?
- What are some negative responses I might get?
- Based on what I know about this person, what response do I expect?
- How would I like them to respond?
Testing the waters
You can sometimes predict how someone might react by learning how they feel about LGBTQ+ people and topics. This can help you decide whether it’s safe to come out to them.
Here are some ways to gauge their views:
- ask how they feel about an LGBTQ+ celebrity or public figure
- ask how they feel about marriage equality
- listen to their words. Do they put down LGBTQ+ people? Do they invoke LGBTQ+ stereotypes?
- observe how they respond to challenging emotional situations, as this might help you anticipate their reactions.
Possible reactions
It’s important to consider how others might respond when you come out to them. Reactions can vary widely, from immediate acceptance and support to confusion, shock or even rejection.
Some people may need time to process the information and their initial reaction may not reflect how they ultimately feel. Others may be immediately supportive and grateful that you’ve trusted them with this important part of your identity.
Remember that their reaction says more about them than it does about you. You are more than just your identity, and who you are is valid.
Safety considerations
Your health and safety are the primary concerns. Sadly, coming out doesn’t always go as we hope or imagine. Regardless of how others react, you are deserving of acceptance, consideration and love.
If you sense danger or anticipate that coming out might put you at risk, it can make sense to develop backup plans. Consider how you would manage if you needed alternative arrangements for housing, food, school or transportation.
If you’re unsure about your safety, you may want to wait until you’re in a more secure position before coming out, or consider speaking to a trusted support service first.
Things to remember
As you navigate your coming out journey, it can be helpful to remind yourself of these truths:
- I am more than just my identity, and who I am is valid.
- The only opinion of me that truly matters is my own.
- I deserve warmth, love and compassion.
- I am a capable and authentic person.
Resources and support
There are many organisations in the UK that provide support for LGBTQ+ people.
- LGBT Foundation: Provides advice, support and information services for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans communities.
- London Friend: Works to improve the health and mental wellbeing of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in and around London.
- Mermaids: Supports gender-diverse young people aged 19 and under, and their families and carers. Offers a helpline and webchat service.
- Samaritans: Open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk. Call 116 123.
- Stonewall: Empowers LGBTQ+ individuals in the UK and abroad by providing support and advice to help tackle discrimination and hate crimes.
- Stonewall Housing: A specialist lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender housing advice and support provider in England.